Sometimes Growth is Really Fuc%ing Hard

In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” – Budda

 

This morning I woke up to a text from a friend told me she’d changed her wedding plans and was now having just family and really close friends who know them both. I was no longer invited.

It’s true I don’t know him very well. Traveling is big part of his job, and during many of my visits, he’s often been away. However, despite living in different cities for the entirety of our friendship, we’ve traveled together, visited often and were very close for many years. I couldn’t help but to feel the sting of rejection.

When you disinvite a close (now debatable) friend to your wedding, aren’t you basically saying, “I don’t want to be friends with you anymore?”

It lit up all of my pictures (psychic lingo for old issues) that I’m not considered worthy of an invitation because I’m not married anymore.

And we’re talking OLD ISSUES. 8 years ago when a 5 year relationship fell apart, I found myself no longer included in parties, events and vacations, while my ex still was. I felt abandoned and discarded by the people I was closest to.

That apparent rejection hurt like hell. But it turned out to be the catalyst for me to walk an entirely new and much healthier path. A path that helped me find the courage to look at my darkness and bring it into the light; it allowed me know myself on a much deeper level. It’s a path that opened up my curiosity and passion for art, creating my own music, writing, and speaking my truth. Things I never knew were a part of me.

My first reaction to her text was my stomach hurt. Then I escaped momentarily to the abyss of the internet. I caught myself judging her and considered writing a response I might regret later. None of those things made me feel any better.

Then I remembered that the beginner doesn’t have to react.

I took a breath. And then another one. I let myself to cry. At first I thought I was crying over the dissolution of friendship. But then I realized that was just an aspect of it.

Mostly I was crying because personal growth (whether I want it or not) is unequivocally my path in this lifetime. I need it the way I need water and air and sunshine and tacos. And sometimes, personal growth is really fucking hard.

It’s hard because a path of growth means we lose a lot of lovely people along the way.

 

 CLICK TO TWEET>>>>>>Life is about alignment. We cruise along on our individual paths and other people we share alignments with (values, passions, directives) navigate beside us. If we stay in alignment, we continue on together. However, if one of us shifts, we move onto different tracks and create new alignments. In theory it’s all very beautiful and fluid. Practice is (obviously) a different story.

 

I lay in bed for awhile, indulging in the cool, foggy morning thinking about all of the people I’ve navigated with from my first friend in kindergarten to my group of friends I felt abandoned me 8 years ago, to my (now-ex) husband, and friend that’s getting married. Even if I didn’t understand it at the time, they’ve all undoubtedly helped me along on my path to better understanding myself. And that is a gift.

 

I sat up, took some more deep breaths and decided to respond.

1. I remembered that it’s not personal. As much as her text lit my pictures up like a Christmas Tree, it’s not about me. She is creating her life based on where she and her partner are aligned right now. I get that.


2. Then, I forgave. Forgiveness wasn’t for her- it was for me. For + Giving means letting go, and that act of letting go means we are giving to ourselves.  We are giving ourselves the freedom to detach from old energetic chords. Perceived rejection can create cords just as strong as love, but they don’t feel like love. Forgiveness allows us to let go of old alignment connections that causes hurt/pain. It also makes room to create new alignments.

 

3. Finally, I released. By releasing my friend to her highest good, (sending positive energy and love her way) I created an energetic vibration to release myself to MY highest good as well. After all, what you put out you get back! 

 

Today my practice is to remember that people come into our lives for a season, a reason or a lifetime. The Beginner has gratitude for the good times and lets go, making space for new friends to come in her life with a more present time alignment.

 

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

Be

15 comments

  1. Fatma says:

    Such a beautiful post! Wonderful vulnerability and strength. I know how powerful forgiveness and releasing to the highest good is. You are a warrior! In letting go you will receive!

    Love
    Fatma

  2. Dorry says:

    I love this, Emily! raw, real, profound, and relatable. thank you for sharing your words with us. I have people from my past who I need to release, and moving forward I’ll apply your mental strategy: respond, forgive, release. it can be challenging for me to not take it personally when I’m out of alignment with people who I was once so close to, but trying to hold on (or control the situation) goes against the law of least effort (http://www.chopra.com/the-law-of-least-effort) which is where I desire to live. it also goes back to making space for new people and opportunities. maybe you’ll have something life-changing happen on the weekend when you would have been at the wedding. you just never know. :)

    I’ve been thinking about you and hope our paths cross again! you’re a beautiful soul. <3

    • admin says:

      Aw… Dorry! So good to hear from you. I was so touched by your thoughtful comment and kind words. Truly. hope all is well in your world, an that our paths cross again soon as well. XO!

  3. Lisa says:

    Well done. I’ve done this ungracefully and then after learning a bit, more gracefully. It is difficult. Your thinking about this, about alignment and realigning is so perfect. We grow and change. The whole thing about weddings is it comes down to money. I bet your friend in her heart wants very much for you to be there and feels just as badly not inviting you as you felt not getting invited. However, as a bride to be she is probably rushing through the process so quickly and with so much emotion, lots of details fall by the wayside. Not that she wants this to happen, but she’s only human and overwhelm is overwhelm. One other point… so many of those “couples” are very lonely within their own structures but they are too afraid of being alone. They don’t share much intimacy or growth, just the status quo and the appearance of stability. For most its a financial and familial agreement. And there’s nothing wrong with that, unless there is. You are an wise soul, sometimes called an old soul. But being the beginner gives you always, a fresh start.

  4. Robin says:

    I love your writing, and that you are the opposite of fake.
    Imagine letting the world know everyone doesn’t love and need you? Brave gal!
    Well, I got news for you, EVERYONE doesn’t love or need any of us, and rejection , loss is just a part of life.
    I have a friend of 7 years just drop me after a brief misunderstanding; it took a while for me to get over that hurt and realize if I wasn’t worth trying to work it out, then what really had I lost?
    Recently a writing partner dropped out of writing with me, she had other projects and interests she wants to pursue. We are still finds, but I was taken aback. Until I realized I will now be the author of my stories and her decision gives me more control, not less power.
    Change, growing is hard. Sometimes it’s for a better thing, sometimes it’s just a bad thing or a hurt or loss to heal from. There is no avoiding it though , so we should learn skills to better handle it. I am, and your three responses, including NOT responding to the un-invite, we very helpful. Also, you don’t know what pressures she was under to have to make this embarrassing decision to un-invite a bunch of people!
    Not a happy moment for that bride, and maybe everyone wasn’t as kind as you were?
    You non-response and internal letting go may have been the best, gentle response!
    Nice post, keep ’em coming.
    I have made another new start or two… recently , finally got some of my books into E-Book form! The solution turned out easier than I ever dreamed too!. And, crazy me, started writing a collaborative screenplay with 3 other writers. Chaos called brainstorming is underway, and I cannot wait til we have some order, an outline and beats to write towards. It ain’t pretty, but it’s just part of the process.
    So I am a Beginner , X3 … so far…
    Robin

  5. Sara says:

    Lovely post. Well written. And words to live by.
    I DO want to say something about the wedding un-invite, though. From two perspectives. I am getting married next year (I think). I have A LOT of friends. I’m an extrovert so I invite a lot of people into my life. And I’m STRUGGLING on how to do this. I want it SMALL. I desperately want it simple. I want everyone to be there. It’s impossible to have both. Is it possible that your friend just got REALLY OVERWHELMED and decided to make it super small and stick with those immediately close to her? Because that’s what I’ll likely do. And I’m going to piss off a few friends doing it – that I am certain.
    Also, I was once on the B-List for a friend’s wedding. It sucked! I’d rather not be invited then be on the B-List. Just saying’. xo

  6. Anne Omland says:

    This is a gorgeous article. I want to have a response that continues the conversation but I feel like you fully said it. Releasing, forgiving, realizing it’s not about you, accepting your growth, admitting that it sucked and hurt…I can relate to all of it. Love this and happy for you that you came out the other end of an at-first shocking situation so positively.

  7. Luanne says:

    You are beautiful inside and out. Thank you for sharing so deeply. I tend to analyze a lot, and I believe you were disinvited by others because you are very beautiful, hence a threat to others once single. Also if this is a male friend being married, he may have been asked by his fiancé to disinvite you. Don’t let it bother you honey. Consider it a backhanded compliment! Make lemonade out of this lemon!

  8. Julie says:

    wow- this was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you! I recently experienced a very similar thing this past weekend. Sometimes the things that trigger those “I’m not enough” songs in our head come out of left field. Thank you for reminding me that people make choices based on their own pathway, and sometimes our pathways may separate for a season, or even for life, but we can hold on to the wonderful memories we had. And send love and light to them and let them go.

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