Miracles DO Happen (but it helps if you know how to create them)

4 years ago this month I found myself at a very unexpected crossroads. My husband and I had rented a gorgeous apartment in Paris for a month-long artist sabbatical and about 5 weeks before we were scheduled to leave (without any warning whatsoever) he told me he wasn’t coming anymore. He wasn’t coming anymore because he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married anymore. Ummm… Yeah.

In my latest video I share the destructive, unconscious patterns that were preventing me from having my dream life, and the diamond insight I gained that allowed me to go from heartbroken and alone to loved up in this beautiful jungle paradise, with my sexy French beloved, an amazing community of inspiring  friends and a baby girl growing in my womb.

Yes, miracles DO happen.. but it helps if we know how to create them!

When You’re a Fraud and You Don’t Even Know It!

For many years I couldn’t figure out why my life wasn’t unfolding with more joy and genuine happiness—especially since I was trying so damn hard.

Much to my surprise, I learned I was a FRAUD in my own life and I had no idea. In fact I would’ve told you I was authentic—I believed I was.

Turns out this buzzword AUTHENTICITY that seems to be everywhere these days actually means something totally different than I thought. And turns out, it’s FAR MORE important than I ever understood when it comes to creating a genuinely passionate, joyful life and manifesting soul affirming, show-stopping, heart thumping LOVE.

Spoiler Alert; working your ass off to prove that you’ve “made it” in love, career, body and life general isn’t authenticity… no matter how good it looks to the rest of the world.

I’m sharing all of the embarrassing details as well as the key insight that allowed me to create a far more authentic, passionate, joyous and loved-up life in my latest Free Your Spirit Video. Because as Maya Angelou oh-so-eloquently said: If you get give. If you learn teach.

To your spirit… it deserves to be free! 

XO,

Emily

I Froze My Eggs and Wish I Hadn’t

I Froze My Eggs and Wish I Hadn’t

(Originally published on The Zoe Report).

Freezing my eggs seemed like the rational—nay, the responsible—thing to do. After all, I was getting divorced at 35, the very year the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) reports your chances of natural conception drop to 52%. My mother, a dedicated disciple of Western medicine and a staunch believer that a woman’s baby-making faculties turn to dust at this ripe old age, kindly said to me shortly after learning of my divorce: “If you want, I’ll pay for you to preserve your eggs.” I spent a few weeks thinking it over and arrived at a yes with some obvious logic: Not only will I have the time to be far more selective in choosing my next partner, but I won’t turn into one of those baby-crazed women in her late 30s who scare guys off at “hello.”

Getting Started (AKA The Drugs)

Upon a friend’s referral, I head to a clinic in Los Angeles where the doctors put me through a series of tests. After confirming I’m a good candidate, we map a plan based on my ovulation schedule, and I leave loaded down with a box full of hormones I’m to give myself for the 10 days leading up to the harvest. I prepare myself for the worst, as I’ve heard stories of hormone-riddled friends turning into emotional puddles and spontaneously gaining 20 pounds in a week.

“I felt oddly empowered by my decision.”

My first injection falls on an unseasonably warm day in April. At my new (and very supportive) boyfriend’s place in Venice, we measure out the quantity together. I take a deep breath, draw the needle and puncture the fleshy part of my thigh. Well, that wasn’t so hard, I think. We then get on bikes and ride to a wine bar for a sunset charcuterie plate and a glass of red wine. It’s a lovely afternoon, and I feel oddly empowered by my decision.

The next night, we stop by our friend’s birthday party and his wife says, “Damn, you’re happy! What are you on?” I throw my head back carelessly and laugh, “Fertility drugs!” In this moment, I realize fertility drugs don’t actually make you feel terrible. They just make you feel more of whatever it is you’re feeling. Yes, I’m going through a divorce, but I’ve waited a good year from the time my husband walked out the door before beginning the process, and I’m brimming with hope about my new life.

The Procedure

I go in for the retrieval eight days later. They put me under, and a mere 20 minutes later I open my eyes to my doctor standing proudly above me.

“We got 30 eggs!” he exclaims.

“That’s a good thing?” I guess.

“Indeed. Normally we’re happy with seven.”

Dazed from the anesthesia and high on the new freedom (and time) my mom has so graciously bought me, I breeze out of the office thinking this just might be the biggest game changer in the history of being a woman.

The Unexpected Aftermath

Oh, it’s a game changer all right. A few days later, I begin to itch. Then, the jabs start. It’s as if I’m being stabbed by a molten fireplace poker 24 hours a day, seven days a week. My discomfort bears resemblance to a yeast infection, if a yeast infection means scalding hot shards of glass permanently lodged in my nether regions. The fertility doctor’s office says this is very unusual and not-so-subtly remind me I signed a waiver excusing them of any responsibility.

I fear my cheating husband gave me an STI that’s only now presenting itself. After testing me for everything that makes you squirm, my OB-GYN tells me it’s in fact a yeast infection. My energy healer, on the other hand, tells me the procedure has opened up a trauma from a past life and that I’m now vulnerable to accepting a lower energy frequency into my space from my new man.

Nothing helps. In my darkest moments, I blame my mom for pressuring me to do it. I blame my psychic for telling me I’d be okay. I blame the American medical community for inciting fear in 35-year-old women everywhere and making us feel a procedure like this is necessary.

The Consequences

For the next two years, I continue to experience a bevy of awful symptoms. I spend tens of thousands of dollars seeing internists, specialists, acupuncturists, integrative medicine docs, nutritionists, hydra colon therapists, osteopaths, energy healers, clairvoyants and mystics looking for the key to my healing. With the precision of an investigative reporter, I piece together all these expert insights, and eventually arrive at a conclusion: The hormones I took for the procedure threw my body way out of balance and created a breeding ground for systemic candida to flourish.

“Finally, I decide to no longer pay the $750 annual fee to store my eggs.”

With the desperation of someone who, well, might not be able to have sex or wear skinny jeans ever again, I quit sugar. Quitting sugar sounds like forgoing a sweet treat after dinner or opting to take your coffee black—no. Quitting sugar means no bread, no pasta, no alcohol, no rice, no salad dressing. Not even a cherry tomato. 

I grow increasingly weak and gaunt, barely tipping the scale at 91 pounds. I become isolated, unable to join my friends for dinner and drinks. Believing my healer’s theory that my new guy’s energy might not jibe with mine, I break up with quite possibly the greatest man I’ve ever been with.

Finally, I decide to no longer pay the $750 annual fee to store my eggs. After all, to access them I’ll have to undergo in vitro fertilization (IVF), and IVF means injecting myself with the same hormones all over again—something I have absolutely no interest in doing.

The Verdict

Do I regret my decision freeze my eggs? Very much so. Do I recommend other women try it? It’s a very personal decision, one I have no business sticking my nose in. But from my ordeal, I gained one positive: a genuine compassion for anyone struggling with health issues. For women facing chemo or other treatments that may compromise their ability to conceive, I certainly understand the appeal. For women who can’t conceive naturally, IVF is clearly an incredible advancement. Ultimately, I’m a woman who supports other women, and I simply want to tell a story that would’ve been helpful for me to hear while I was in the process of making my decision on this sensitive matter.

And Now?

The good news is that the body wants to heal. In time, I return to the foundation by which I live: I and I alone am responsible for everything in my life, and this experience is for my evolution and benefit. I figure there’s gotta be a gift in here somewhere, and I’m determined to find it.

Once I take a closer look, the gifts are everywhere. I discover the healing power of well-sourced, organic food. I come to understand that the energies we don’t see are even more powerful than those we do. I learn that the coffee enema might just be the secret to happiness (and taking years off your face). It cleans out the liver, y’all—look it up!

The biggest gift has been recognizing that when faced with a big life decision, the most important thing I can do is ask myself, “Am I making this decision from a place of love or fear?” If the answer is fear, it’s a no-go.

By leading with love, I’ve built a peaceful life in a Costa Rican jungle paradise I share with my beloved French boyfriend and our two dogs. Leading with love is what I believe has allowed me to call forth the baby girl growing in my belly; she was conceived on the very first try just three months shy of my 39th birthday. (Take that, ACOG!) Leading with love is a gift, an insight and a superpower I’ll carry with me always—one I might not have discovered had I not taken the steps I did. So maybe I don’t completely regret my decision after all.

See original article published on The Zoe Report. 

My Younger Self Woulda Never Dared… !

My Younger Self Woulda Never Dared… !

A year ago this week, I sat on the couch in my beautiful Venice Beach bungalow and looked around at my beautiful art, furniture, books and things I’d been collecting for the past 15 years. I thought to myself: it’s just stuff. It’s beautiful stuff that i worked hard for and loved, but it was still just stuff.

What my heart was aching for was a true adventure and deeply nourishing love.

So I did the one thing that hasn’t let me down yet– I did something that scared me.

I picked up the phone and called the sexy, fiery Frenchman I’d only spent 2 weeks with at that point!

Me: Are Disco and I still invited to come live with you in the jungle?

Him: Of course, darlink! We are waiting for you!

And so it began… the first step in what is surely destined to be the greatest adventure of my entire life.

I share this with you because in our quest for happiness, wholeness and most of all freedom, I’ve discovered that the head rarely gets us there. Planning, being organized, and doing what’s expected might feel like the right thing to do, but this so-called comfort zone has a dangerous underbelly: a life of fear and exhaustion as we search tirelessly for joy and fulfillment everywhere except for where it really lives.

It’s when the heart is running the show does the really good stuff shows up. If you’re feeling stuck, unfulfilled or downright exhausted, ask yourself, what’s a little leap I can take today? Where can I give myself permission to something that scares me a bit? Something you aren’t perfect at? Something that you requires you to be a beginner? I promise it will shake things up in your life in the most magical ways.

XO,
Emily

 

Why Life Doesn’t Feel as Good as it Looks in Instagram & the KEY to change that!

Welcome back to your free trainings for a free spirit! If you watched my video last week, you know for the month of March, I’m deconstructing Perfectionism (in all of it’s painful glory). And this week I have a NEW KEY for you– one that instantly has the power to liberate you from this debilitating prison once and for all!

I know you’re a curious one–like me, fascinated by why things are the way they are, and this week I really go there. I cover:
Where perfectionism originates – trust me, you haven’t heard this one before.

Why life doesn’t feel as good as it looks on Instagram.

The specific Spirit Nature keys I used to overcome that persistent feeling that  you’re never quite doing it good enough or right enough.

 

KEY #2: Taking out the Trash
Time: 20 min
Materials: Pen and notebook


So this week is all about making space for inspiration. If our lives are cluttered with constant chatter, worries and contiguous planning, it makes it very difficult for inspiration to make it’s way into your brain.

In a quiet place, ideally first thing in the morning, find a comfy place in your home. (I like to start my day, with a warm mug ginger, lemon tea, personally… but get your beverage of choice).

This may seem like a waste of time at first, but I assure you it’s very powerful action.

Don’t judge , don’t cross anything out, simply give yourself permission to allow your stream of consciousness to come out. It may be that you forgot to pay a bill, your dream the night before, our plans for the day, who is occupying your heart and mind. Your fears, your dreams, your grudges… This exercise offers you the opportunity to make space in your spiritual and physical universe for inspiration to come in. And accessing your inspiration is the KEY to it all.