These days leading up to THE BIGGEST day of my life… I want to savor them, chill in a hammock with a coconut in hand, and enjoy these last few moments of calm. But right now baby girl is breech. That means she’s sitting upright, not in the head down, ready for arrival position.
I found out a couple weeks ago and have since been experiencing a roller coaster of emotions trying to make peace with the reality they may need to cut me open an airlift her out. So different than my dreams of initiating myself into motherhood the way our bodies were designed to do it. Trying to find the balance between doing just about every baby spinning exercise under the sun: walking, yoga, meditating, handstands, dancing, and crawling to encourage her to turn and trying be ok just laying around and eating pancakes because a midwife told me my stomach was too muscular, and I needed to soften. Or do I just need to soften my thoughts?
Of course I consulted my mystics who said my resistance to the c-section the very thing calling it in. I guess there’s no way around: what you fear will appear.
So trying to think of the positives of a c-section like not peeing in my pants when I sneeze or ripping myself in two. Although I’d take both of those happily if she decides to turn.
Today I’ll breathe in this salty air and remind myself to trust that my daughter is coming with her own unique wisdom and this is the beginning of learning to kneel to it.
Maybe my rite of passage is realizing it’s not just about me and what I want anymore?